Mennonite Enquirer Exclusive.
It’s been many years since the last sighting in Mitchell of the legendary Sasquatch. Recently however, some residents say that they’ve once again seen the hairy man-like beast roaming between Mitchell and Landmark! The Mennonite Enquirer caught up with some of the local residents to investigate the sightings.
Nettie Martens says she was waiting for her husband to come home when she heard a strange noise coming from behind the house. Ed Rempel who lives on Park Avenue says he saw a large black shape moving behind a tree near his house. There were also a group of eyewitnesses who claimed that they saw Bigfoot walking along Stanway Bay.
Currently, a team of researchers has descended upon Mitchell to verify the sightings. A plaster impression has been taken of what appears to be a foot that is almost 15 inches long! It would seem that Bigfoot has returned to Mitchell!
The Mennonite Enquirer caught up with Nettie Martens for more details on her encounter. At first, Nettie seemed reluctant to give up any information of the terrifying incident. After pressing her for details, she finally relinquished the shocking details. “I was waiting for my oumtji to come home when suddenly I heard a strange grunting noise coming from the back door. I immediately phoned the neighbors and told them that a large figure behind the house was swaying back and forth and seemed to be trying to break into the house. They immediately came over to check it out”, says Mrs. Martens. What follows is the true account of what the neighbors saw.
Erdman Sawatzky says, “it was really dark that night. We slowly walked up behind the Martens house and saw this huge shape swaying back and forth. We decided to charge the beast with our shovels and pitchforks. We suddenly realized that it was actually Henry Martens, Nettie's husband! He’s a big dude and was wearing his big black bomber jacket. He'd had a bit too much,..ahhh... "cough medicine"! That’s why he was swaying”, says Erdman. It appears that Mr. Martens had lost his house keys and was trying to open the back door and sneak into bed without his wife noticing! So as it happened, "cough medicine" (the Crown Royal variety) played a part in the first incident.
The Mennonite Enquirer then asked Herman Unger’s group about their encounter. “Well”, said Herman, "a bunch of us were quadding one Friday night.
It was around dusk that we pulled over and then…”. It seemed that Mr. Unger was too shaken to go on with the interview. Then he recovered. “I probably shouldn’t admit this but we took a 40 of Southern Comfort with us and we had a few drinks along the way. I know it’s illegal and we shouldn’t do it. That night we stopped for a bit and Peter went to have a leak behind a tree. And then Brian (who’d also had his “3 drinks”) got confused and though it was Bigfoot. Peter has a bladder the size of a peanut! We have to stop every 10 miles for him to take a wizz!”
It appears that intoxicating beverages played yet another part in the Bigfoot sightings near Mitchell. This however dose not explain the plaster impression taken by the investigation team. This could be the confirmation that the Mennonite Enquirer has been looking for.
Our reporters tracked down Mrs. Tina Reimer who lives close to where the impression was taken. Her testimony was unbelievable! She told our reporters the following: “I have an explanation for you but you probably won’t like it”, says Tina. "I know the source of that impression. It’s an impression of my husband’s foot. Abe has always had big feet. In fact all the Reimer clan had big feet. I just didn’t have the nerve to tell the research team that they’d made a mistake. It’s been a very wet spring and Abe was going barefoot near the garden. That’s where they got the impression.”
So it would appear that the latest sightings have been debunked and revealed by the Mennonite Enquirer. We also further revealed that the rate of sightings goes up with alcohol consumption. We therefore encourage everyone to drink responsibly and refrain from any vehicle operation of any kind when boozing.
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